An Honest Out of Office Auto-Reply

I leave for Montana for a week on Friday and am considering using the following as my Out of Office Auto-Reply message. What's the over under on time till firing?

Hello. If you are reading this, that means that you are in the office and I am not. I’m sorry. While you’re sitting at your desk, listening to the mind-numbing din of fluorescent light bulbs, willing the clock hands to move already, I’m probably out basking in the sun, or climbing a mountain, or sitting on the bank of a river watching it fall over itself and listening to it laugh. Like Siddartha, but with beer.

During my week off, I will be attending a wedding, and then traversing the Montana countryside. During your week, you will do things that probably won’t matter in the slightest in a few months. In all likelihood, I will be forced to wrestle a bear and scramble to safety (possibly using its hide for a sleeping bag later on), while you will passive-aggressively deter your cubicle neighbor from stealing your stapler for the third time this week by keeping it in your desk drawer from now on.

In the event that the bear episode doesn’t go as I envision, and I do not return from Montana, you will probably not receive a response to this email. In the event that I’m only slightly maimed, you will receive a response to this email, it will just take longer as I may have to learn to type with my feet or nose.

If you need immediate assistance, you may contact my boss, though she is very busy so don’t be self-absorbed. Picture your amount of work, multiply times one hundred million, then think about if you’d want to respond to your email. Didn’t think so.

Peace!