Why the Yankees Suck

Passive Aggression at Its Best

I hate them because they're pretty. I hate them because they're everything we're not. The handsome, radiant (glowing, even) goliath of a baseball team that JUST WON'T LOSE. Like the villain of any good horror movie, there they are, coming back after you're certain they couldn't have survived that fall, that blow, that car wreck. BOO! Back for another round of gut-wrenching violence. Which in this case is baseball in September. I'm sick of playing them, I'm sick of them constantly nipping at our heels, and mostly I'm sick of them playing smarter baseball than us.

Can anyone explain to me why Curt Schilling didn't get yanked in the 8th last night? Especially once there were two baserunners on? Clemens wasn't still pitching in the 8th. That's because Joe Torre understands something. Joe Torre, that vapid, sunken in, skeletor of a manager understands that Clemens is, among other things, OLD. Something our beloved "Tito" has apparently failed to notice about Schilling. For Schilling to go 7 innings at this point and to have only given up one run is tremendous. It's enough. Have we not learned from Grady Little? The manager that led us gloriously into the post-season, only to be run out of town by a mob of fans with pitchforks and flaming baseball bats? Hello?! Why, oh why, is it in Red Sox blood to constantly over-extend our starting pitchers? The Yankees don't do it. Ever. EVER. I know we hate them, but by golly, with 18 rings under their belt, maybe they're doing something right. Maybe it's time to (dare I say it?) be just a little more like the Yankees. Gasp! I said just a little...

Or maybe that's our fate. Maybe we're eternally destined to be the mighty Prometheus of baseball, chained to a rock for all time with an eagle pecking at our liver ( ironic, considering the amount of booze Sox fans consume.) Bound and frozen, unwilling to give in, unwilling to play with our heads instead of our hearts. Destined to suffer then heal in a dramatic and tragic cycle that the Greek's surely would've loved.

I guess I can accept that. For one thing, it's much more exciting. So the Yanks are smart. But they're a boring, robotic, sell-out of a baseball team. (And if I have to see Derek Jeter on Sportscenter doing that goddamned fist pump one more time, so help me god, I can't be responsible for my actions.) And I want no part of that. There's a lot of season left and there's no question about it... it's gonna be a wild ride.

At least the Patriots won yesterday, right? Even though they probably cheated.