The Unemployment Diaries

Am I Too Picky?

Not only does gainful employment continue to elude me, but now it's mocking me.

Most of my day is spent surfing various job sites: Craigslist, LATimes, Monster, HotJobs... you get the idea. I'm forced to compose cover letter after cover letter in an attempt to convince some power hungry (I have to envision them this way, otherwise it's too detrimental to my ego when they don't call me) HR person that, while I have no actual experience in this particular field, I would be a perfect fit for this position. Whatever.

Sometimes I start scanning the part-time jobs on Craigslist. It's not ideal for me since I have no money, but I can't help but dream of some glamorous, making-a-difference-in-the-world, low-paid yet meaningful position that I'd find tucked away, waiting for me with baited breath, like a kid waiting for a ride home from school. Skimming over the posts, I see an add that reads, "Nit Picker - 25/hour to start!" I think, hmm... I have a pretty good eye for detail. Five years spent working in a lab will do that to ya! I chuckle to myself (never one to not appreciate my own self-deprecating humor) and click the link. It reads as follows:

"The Hair Whisperers Lice Removal Service is looking for employees to make house calls to remove lice and eggs from infected children and adults. Position calls for someone with excellent vision, extremely detailed oriented, patient, good with children, not squeamish, and have a great sense of humor, as well as a valid driver's license. We will train qualified candidates."

Let's all take a moment here and let that sink in. Ok, good.

Now, while most of the job description makes sense to me, I can't help but wonder what exactly they mean by needing a good sense of humor. Is one expected to come equipped with a repertoire of lice-related jokes when dealing with a lice client?

"A couple of nits walk into a bar..."

"A priest, a rabbi, and some head lice are on a plane..."

"Hey, what's the deal with body lice?"

"Did ya hear the one about the lice that worked for the Center for Disease Control?"

I pictured myself (on stage, for some reason) wielding one of those tiny combs and delivering jokes one after another to the lice-ridden and itchy hoi polloi. They're concerned but hopeful, and politely taking breaks from head scratching to applaud when the moment is right. The laughter would grow louder in a crescendo as I worked my way to the grand finale sure to leave them buckled over in hysterical disbelief. Can she SAY that?!

This thought process only led me to more questions: Is there a nit-pickers union? If a nit-picker gets lice, can they nit-pick themselves, or is that unethical? Is there any commission involved (based on pounds of nits picked)? Is there an employee helpline to call if there's been a particularly long, hard day of nit-picking? (Man, I just wish I could forget it, though I fear it's been etched into my memory forever. I've never seen so many lice. Just when I thought I had them all, there were so many more. There were always more...)

Though I'm not yet desperate enough to join the ranks of America's Nit Pickers (I will, however, admit 25 bucks an hour is enticing at this point) I realize that I must maintain a sense of humor through this soul-sucking process. Because god only knows what else I might find out there.