Dispelling Job Interview Myths

What Human Resources Won't Tell You

There's a lot of information out there on "how to get a job" and "how to interview". All of this information is wrong. As an American, I can't stand idly by and allow those of you that are underemployed to be set adrift in a sea of misinformation. So without further ado, I will attempt to dispel common misconceptions about job interviews, and provide what I hope is an insightful and comprehensive guide to getting the job.

Job Interview Myth #1: Showing Up on Time

Are you a sheep? Because that's what a Potential Future Employer (PFE) will think if you show up on time. You don't want them to think you're a sheep. You want them to think you're a maverick, a rogue, a loose cannon! This makes you stand out against all of the other candidates, doesn't it? The key is to keep them waiting a good 15-20 minutes. Then, when you do show up, tell them you were late because you noticed a family of baby bunnies without a mother bunny on the side of the road, and had to stop to help them. (Unless you're applying for a job at an animal testing facility. In this case, replace "family of baby bunnies without a mother bunny on the side of the road" with "confused old woman drowning in the sewer" to avoid any doubt as to your ability to harm animals.) Then, sit back and watch the irritation dissolve off of PFE's face. You've just gone from maverick to lover of all living things. Now that's making a first impression!

Job Interview Myth #2: The Handshake

Most job interview guides will tell you to give a firm, but not overpowering handshake upon meeting your PFE. Wrong again. The key here is to crush their hand with brute force. The harder you squeeze, the better off you'll be. Research has shown that there's a clear correlation between how hard you squeeze and how much money you will make. If you give an average handshake, guess what? You're getting an average salary. It's science.

Job Interview Myth #3: Answering Questions

Forget what you know about answering interview questions. Here is a discussion of some questions you'll likely be asked during an interview, and how a PFE REALLY wants you to answer:

QUESTION: Please describe some of your strengths and weaknesses.

This is the oldest trick in the book. Never admit weakness. Think of the interview process as life in the Serengeti. Are you a wounded antelope or are you a lion? A PFE wants someone who will kill, not be killed. The appropriate answer here is, "Well Mr. Blank, I'd say my strengths are my good looks, my ability to seduce coworkers, and my organizational skills. My only weakness, however, is that I have no weaknesses. In fact, I dare you to find one." Make eye contact here and make sure the PFE is the first one to break it. If PFE looks away first, consider this a small victory.

QUESTION: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

This is an important question and another opportunity for you to shine. A response I like to use is: "I see myself sitting right there, actually." Gesture towards PFE's chair, make and hold eye contact again until PFE looks away. You've made your point.

QUESTION: What would you say has been your greatest success?

A common mistake here is to assume the PFE is asking about your professional career. That's where you'd be wrong. Everyone else that has interviewed has discussed meeting challenging sales quotas, synergizing in a stressful environment, making their "numbers" against all odds, or spearheading some obscure thing no one cares about. Again, the key here is to stand out against all of the other driveling fools that have sat in that very same chair. Be exciting. Talk about the most sexual partners you've had in one night (sex sells), bungee jumping tequila shots in Mexico (you're athletic and know how to let your hair down), how many office supplies you stole from your previous company (you come equipped with your own office supplies). These things are memorable and serve as a way to say to the PFE, I'll get the job done, but I'm going to have fun doing it.

Job Interview Myth #4: Asking Questions

Most interview guides are right to tell you make sure you ask questions at the end of an interview. It's imperative, however, that you ask the RIGHT questions. Here is a list of appropriate and stimulating questions to ask your PFE:

1.) What is your policy on interoffice dating?
2.) Is the Christmas party open bar?
3.) What comes to mind when I say "office eye-candy"?
4.) What can I expect in the way of "fringe benefits" in this position? (Adding a flirty wink at this point is fun!)
5.) How does your company respond to sexual harassment lawsuits?
6.) How does your company respond to disgruntled former employee lawsuits?
7.) I assume you know I'll accept nothing less than six figures, correct?

These questions ensure that the interview ends on a strong, positive note, and that you've made a lasting impression on your PFE.

I hope this guide helps those of you in the job market. If you only take one thing away from this guide, remember to be the lion. Job hunting is a lot like regular hunting: it's kill or be killed. Welcome to the jungle.