Global Menopause

An Exclusive Interview with Mother Earth

There has been much debate about global warming, but most experts now agree that global warming is indeed a real threat to our survival. When we return, an exclusive interview with the woman behind the mystery. In her very first television appearance in 4.6 billion years, we welcome to the program Mother Earth.

Barbara Walters: Mother Earth, thank you so very much for being here with us tonight.
Mother Earth: It's my pleasure, Barbara.

BW: Tell us, Mother Earth, how are you?
ME: Well Barbara, truth be told, I'm not as young as I used to be. One day, you wake up and look in the mirror and barely recognize yourself. Your glaciers are sagging, your canyons run deeper, and your techtonic plates ache when you get out of bed in the morning.

BW: I think some of our viewers out there can relate!
ME: I may look and feel 4.6 billion years old, Barbara, but my mind is as sharp as it was when I was 3 billion!

BW: Ahh, to be 3 billion again...
ME: (chuckles) Indeed.

BW: Talk to us about the warming as of late, Mother Earth.
ME: Well Barbara, when a woman gets to be my age, she starts.. er, changing. I fear I don't have much control over it. Someday soon my fossil fuels will run dry and I will begin a new chapter of my life.

BW: What does this mean for us as humans?
ME: (Sigh.) You humans are my favorite species. Don't tell the others.. not that they'd understand! haha. I've truly enjoyed watching you evolve. After that meteor hit and all my dinosaurs were gone, I was devastated. Not to mention smarting like a bitch! That thing hurt!

BW: That was quite a catastrophic time for you, wasn't it?
ME: Yes, it was. The sulfuric rain in itself was horrible, but on top of it all, Father Time and I grew apart. I pulled away from him when he needed me the most.

BW: And then what happened?
ME: Well, it started when I saw the emails on Myspace. It all made sense to me then. He was in love with her and was planning to leave me.

BW: Another woman?
ME: Yes. Let's face it, Barbara. I'm not as volcanic as I used to be, and our relationship lost its spark. He fell in love with someone else. And who can blame him? Mars is beautiful. She has a thinner atmosphere, permanent, perky ice caps, and she's red. How can I compete with that?

BW: But you're still here and as beautiful as ever.
ME: It's amazing to even me.

BW: So, what's next?
ME: As I said, I've enjoyed watching you evolve. You are the most intelligent species yet, and my bond with you runs deeply. But you continue to take so much from me, and I fear I've spoiled you. You fight with each other and do such destructive things. It's all so incomprehensible.

BW: We've grown apart.
ME: More than I could've ever imagined. I've provided so much for you all. And I'm now at the age where I want to relax and watch you grow old, but I fear I can't rely on you to take care of me. But one thing is certain, Barbara. My existence will continue to unfold, with or without you. Extinction is a way of life here, unfortunately for your species. But with extinction comes change for me. And I am resilient. You humans fail to see this through your limited scope of existence here.

BW: You will go on, won't you Mother Earth?
ME: I will. Though my core may grow cold, or I may be knocked from my axis, though I may no longer be recognizable as I am today, my matter shall be conserved.

BW: Well, great Mother, thanks so much for joining us tonight. It has truly been an honor.
ME: Thanks to you as well, Barbara. I will be rooting for you and your kind.