Canada Wins Men's Hockey, Remains Polite

Accepting their oddly-shaped silver medals at the awards ceremony yesterday, the American athletes looked dejected, embarrassed, and inexplicably (or, actually, pretty explicably) sweaty.

Likening it to losing a wrestling match to a younger sibling, one U.S. player said, "Whatever. Mom and Dad like me better anyway."

No one really knows what that means, but one thing is certain: had the US won yesterday there would be a tremendous amount more shit-talk and gloating, as is the long-standing tradition in the States, along with being better than Canada at everything.

Olympic officials initially considered launching an investigation into the game's legitimacy, due to the almost complete non-reaction of the Canadian players.

"It was an unprecedented and confusing display of sportsmanship. Politely smiling? Who does that? It wasn't until we saw them at the bar afterwards chugging Labatt Blue that we knew how excited these guys were."

While Canadian hockey players and fans remain gracious about the victory, it is certain that, perhaps for the next four years, their neighbors to the south will resemble those silver medals: totally bent out of shape.