Employment Diaries

Part 1: Reefer Madness

I got the job.

Yay.

Excuse me for not being more excited, but my future employer (I start next Monday) required that I go for a drug screen prior to my start date. Now, many of you would think that this would be fairly standard procedure for those of us that work in or around any sort of laboratory setting. That any respectable scientific company would want to cover their bases and not hire someone that's going to rip-off the lab's supply of ether, acetone, or phosphorous in an attempt to stock their basement meth lab. But you'd be wrong.

At first, I thought it was odd too. Coming out of college, I heard stories about people getting drug tested prior to employment, and have to admit that I was pretty damn nervous. Don't get the wrong idea, I wasn't selling all my worldly possessions and preparing to join the Rastafari movement or anything, but come on, it's college.

I eventually got a job at a local biotech company and prepared myself for the worst (cranberry juice-- a wondrous elixir!). They sent me to a hospital at which a series of nurses and doctors performed the most comprehensive full physical I'd ever had. Since the job involved working with potentially infectious strains of viruses, they had to make sure we were 100% healthy, presumably to avoid any future lawsuits. The doctor even tested my lung capacity by making me blow into one of those Fisher Price looking tube things after running on a treadmill. But even after all the rigamarole, surprisingly, there was no drug test.

It wasn't until I'd worked in the industry for a couple more years that I realized why none of the companies I worked for ever performed drug tests: scientists REALLY like pot. Now, I know this seems like a specious and outrageous claim. But I can assure you that the reality is that some of the most brilliant scientific minds I've ever come across were 4:20 celebratin', Bob Marley t-shirt wearin', water bong ownin', Snoop Dogg listenin', certifiable potheads. They don't perform drug tests at these companies because they know they'd lose a third (or more) of their work force! It's a rabbit hole most employers don't want to explore.

Now, the idea of scientists (or any great thinkers for that matter) smoking weed is not a new idea, nor was it to me at the time. What surprised me was the overwhelming, unspoken tolerance of it. That corporate America (or at least the biotech sector) was in essence giving the thumbs up (or, more appropriately, the "hang loose" sign) to drug use.

So I have to admit, I was a bit disappointed that I had to go for a drug screen for my new job. Not that I'm worried, all they'll find in my urine is too much caffeine and perhaps a few traces of last night's pale ales. But really, how good of a company can it be if there aren't any stoners? Why has this company not caught on to the importance of mind-expanding psychotropics in the field of science?

I'm not exactly sure what I've gotten myself into, but I guess I'll have to wait and see. I know one thing for sure: I'll have to start bringing my own snacks.